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Laurinaitis Sucks, Cena’s Divorce & more!!
Happy Mother’s Day out there to all you Mom’s! Y’all deserve it! Raising kids and being the best parent that you can be is the toughest job out there and the pay sucks, but the benefits more than make up for it. We cherish and love our mom’s so much and thank-you for giving us life (and not actually taking it back when we do something wrong!) One day, I hope, I’ll get a chance for a mother’s day of my own. To all those mommies kicking asses and taking names, this blogs for you!
I’m not sure if this will turn out to be a traditional Dexter list because to be honest, I’m just really really pissed off tonight. Worst week at work, and it didn’t even start at work. It started because some morons in their father’s Lexus decided that it was fun to harass me at a gas station then proceed to follow me to work. Anyways, that’s been my week. It’s time to stick the duct tape over my victims mouths and get to work.
For those unfamiliar with the Dexter Skirt Sheet, should know one thing…It’s all in fun. It’s a hypothetical way for me to take out my frustration about wrestling in my blog. I do not condone or suggest that anything actually happens like this because that’s immoral, and wrong. I wouldn’t hurt them, I just get frustrated sometimes. However this will be the first time that Shawn Michaels, and Michelle McCool won’t be featured in the Dexter list. I’m not even sure if this is going to be a list in the traditional sense of the word. It might just be me über bitching. Well maybe until I get to Laurinaitis. That could get messy. Must remember to lay down the proverbial drop cloth.
I wasn’t overly impressed with RAW this week. It seemed to be the longest two hours ever. Everything was just completely dragged out and the matches were very lack luster.
The Miz putting Brodus Clay over, nearly made me want to vomit. The match just sucked! It’s obvious now more than ever that The Miz is not going back up to the top anytime soon. In fact, I think they are what I’m now referring to the “Getting Matt Hardy-ed.” Talented person, who pisses the officials off once and/or makes a boo-boo, and then gets punished by losing to subsequently untalented and waste of space performers that need to be put over but don’t deserve to be put over, and this goes on until the “Matt Hardy-ed” party’s contract is over or until they get fired. It seems ever since Miz, missed catching R-Truth, he’s been going straight down hill from the top. Accidents do happen, I truly believe that. Nobody is perfect. I have to deal with that in my own job. Apparently I’ve nearly been Matt Hardy-ed here because of one mistake. People expect you to be perfect, but if they want perfection, hire robots. Anyways, back to The Miz. Looking like an orange aside from too much spray tan this past Monday, he went out there and worked hard to make both himself and Clay look good. Judging from the fact that Clay sucks massive herpie inflamed balls that’s not easy to do. Either way, Miz deserved more from that match. He should have gotten the win over Clay. I get that the WWE wants to keep Clay as a monster in the ring and gentle dinosaur outside of the ring, but come the fuck on! Who is stupid enough to buy into this? The WWE is already recycling and old gimmick from the 80’s by stealing The Junk Yard Dog’s idea of bringing children into the ring to dance with them. I’m just waiting for some Church mother to freak out and start saying that Clay is a pedophile. That will put a stop to the Funkasaurus. What makes him funky anyways? Is it fromundacheese? Not even going to question why he’s a saurus. Think about it!
And for the record… I still think he looks more like Funky Kong from Mariokart than King Hippo from Tyson’s Knock-out game! Just sayin’! And we all know I’m always right.
Dolph Ziggler! A man who was once in the WWE championship picture. A question that still makes me wonder who did he blow to get put there. While you’re pondering that question, I’m going forward. I know that a lot of you think that Ziggler is talented but I find him inconsistent. This past week on RAW, he fucked up his finisher the Zig-Zag, which btw are rolling papers that a lot of people use to roll their fatties! The booking in this match sucked anyways. Kofi Kingston’s S.O.S is a great move that he rarely hits, and then Ziggler kicks out of it? Like WHAT THE FLYING FUCK BALLS WAS THAT ABOUT???? Nothing about this entire match made any sense. I felt like I was watching a TNA match. Kofi wasn’t the problem. He never is. But between the booking, and Ziggler, it made everything look like complete crap!
I am seriously starting to believe that I could run this company better than they are.
And what the hell is this A&W dude, or AW or Ass Wash, or whatever his name is. I’m sort of confused because wasn’t this guy Abraham Washington before. OMG I just got it! AW = Abraham Washington. Anyways the name isn’t important, what is, is apparently he’s building a stable. He’s got Primo, Epico and Rosa and maybe possibly Mason Ryan. You know what I’m thinking here… Anyone who goes with A&W/AW/Ass Wash/Abraham Washington, I bet eventually ends up on the “future endevoured” list. I see four people looking ready to get the boot.
Kaitlyn (not my niece but the WWE Diva) has an Adam’s apple. Just sayin’!
I’m still on the belief that current WWE Diva’s Champion, Layla, is going to hurt someone. She’s so sloppy. She’s been with the WWE for how long now? Six years. Six years and she has no fucking clue what she’s doing out there. She’s sloppy which means she can easily hurt someone. Someone with talent. Go back and dance for the mother ship of air heads. I’m tired of these shitty ditzy bitches coming into the wrestling world. Lets keep, Karma, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Tamina. Get rid of the rest. Offer Trish and Lita a contract to help out Fit Finlay train the few that might have a decent career like Kelly Kelly, Eve and maybe Layla. Get Mickie James, Tara (Victoria) and Gail Kim back. Allow them to have strong matches. Use them properly and promote them properly. Then steal Velvet Sky and Angelina Love and rebuild the Beautiful People. How much work would the WWE have to put into fixing the Diva’s division? Not much. Look how fucking easy I made it. It’s just the matter of dollars and contracts. But it’s not completely hopeless. Get writers specifically for the Diva’s. Have three or four writers coming up with ideas and storylines for the Diva’s. Slowly infuse them into the shows and each week I bet those girls will be taken seriously again.
I’m glad Paul Heyman is back. Not overly thrilled at how he came back. The wrestling genius showed up last Monday on behalf of Brock Lesnar. It’s clear that Heyman will work as a fill-in for Lesnar since the WWE only has a limited amount of dates they can use Lesnar for. I’m assuming Heyman is there to speak for Lesnar who apparently hasn’t learned the proper way to cut a promo. Heyman, is an excellent promo man. He often says what he wants and goes off the cuff quite often. However, I didn’t feel it this past Monday. I felt nothing from him. I get that he was suppose to be angry about the treatment of Lesnar, but there was so much more lacking from that promo.
I guess what I’m really doing is just “Dexter-ing” one person, really! Surprised? Well, why butcher Lesnar right now since he wasn’t on this past week and really I’ve actually annihilated him 3 weeks in a row. I’m giving myself a Lesnar break! Lol!!
John Laurinaitis: I certainly have better things to do with my time then listen John Laurinaitis verbally masturbate. Remember that drop cloth I mentioned before, time to lay that sucker down, and cover up because this is gonna get messy!!!!!!!!!! This self-serving son of a bitch has become what Eric Bischoff was to WCW. A poison. A cancerous strain that has been injected into the core of the WWE. Slowly killing the company. A company which I’ve been loyal to since I was a youngling. If WWE goes under because of Laurinaitis, I’m out of wrestling. I can’t take TNA. I can watch it here or there but not consecutively. I’m glad that Laurinaitis feels that he can get off by stroking his own ego and boost his self confidence but like any masturbatory admissions, nobody needs to see that. He’s talking about how he went into a fit of rage last week and attacked Cena, well that made me want to pee because I was laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all. If he wants to see what a true fit of rage is, I’ll show him. OK him showing up here and there was annoying but livable. Now he’s taking up like fifteen minutes of television where a perfectly good match could be placed. That fifteen minutes isn’t including all the backstage segments in which they stick him and Eve in. I want my fucking wrestling back, and less of that ball-fart Laurinaitis. The writers actually have something good going on with the GM gimmick right now, but unfortunately they don’t have anyone good enough to work it. No matter how much Laurinaitis thinks he’s talented, he’s less talented than a door knob that WON’T turn. I’m starting to go bat crap cray-cray here and it’s his fault. If they could have actually put someone in there with a bit of a personality then maybe this stupid GM shit wouldn’t be so unbearable. What do we have to do in order to restore the business? I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of hearing that scratchy throat of his and now I want to cut it right out of him. That way, he can never talk again.
I wasn’t overly impressed with RAW or SmackDown, and I missed NXT and Superstars. So yeah!
I’m not really sure why Maxine from NXT is all of a sudden on RAW tagging with Natalya. Actually scratch that. As I wrote it, I figured it out, lol!! Beth Phoenix is “injured” and the Bella twats are gone (WHORE-YA), so there is a lack of heel Diva’s right now working in the division. Not sure if we will see Eve back in the ring as she’s got this “suck”-atary position going on under (yes I said under) John Laurinaitis. Whether or not they are going to turn AJ or Kaitlyn heel is unknown right now. They did waste a perfectly good spot on SmackDown this past week pitting those two against each other in what was not a wrestling match but more of a very weak chick fight. I almost had my friend Mat believing that AJ was twelve, but he’s too smart for me. Ha!
The end of RAW sucked pretty gnarly ass. I’m not sure how beneficial it is to not put over your WWE champion. I get that they want to keep Lord Tensai (Albert) undefeated, which is smart if they end up using him right (which they won’t), but still. Instead of Punk being pinned by Tensai, maybe they should have had Daniel Bryan go over Punk instead. At least then it adds that much fuel to Punk going into Over The Limit next Sunday. If Tensai pinned Punk, then he should be the one having the title match despite the Beat The Clock challenge from last week. That’s my opinion.
I was discussing with a facebook friend of mine about The SCORE’s AFTERMATH show they put on after they air SmackDown on Friday’s, and how much we both hate Renee. I’m so glad that someone actually agrees with me that she yells through the entire conversation and has absolutely no idea what is good and what is wrong with wrestling. She’s a fan of “The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay. Like WTF is that? She thinks Sheamus is nothing. I mean why is she on there? Is she suppose to be pulling in the female viewers? Because if she is, chances are they are fans of the Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly. Because this BITCH ain’t watching and never will. Anyone know where I can apply for her job because I at least know what the hell I’m talking about!! I should know, I’ve been doing this blog for 6 years almost! Plus I’ve been watching since I was still in one piece pajamas with the feet on them! Yes! FEET! God I miss those! I had this pair of Smurf jammies and oh dear heaven they were comfy!
OK um, awkward!
In a month, I’ll be trekking down to see one of my best friends for the first time since meeting him 8 years ago online. You guys know and love him as Sarge. I can’t wait for that. I’m hoping we can do a youtube video edition of the Boot Camp/Skirt Sheet. It would be super froot! Plus I get to meet his babies! I’m so looking forward to snuggles from Kaden and Aly! And Mrs. Sarge and I have some massive shopping planned as well. Hurry up MAY! I can’t wait to get my vay-cay on!
I think that’s a great spot to call it a night. Because, In Life…There Are Winners, and There Are Losers….Be Jealous and Be Sexy!
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***the views and opinions expressed in “Boot Camp” are strictly my own and do not in any way reflect those of WWE, TNA or any other group that I might inadvertently piss off! But….If you’re gonna get all emo over it, then run home to your mommy, curl up in the fetal position and cry salty tears into your fucking Ovaltine!!***
BOOT CAMP
How’s it hangin’, hosers?
Actually, don’t answer that. The whole “hangin'” thing makes me think about certain parts of my anatomy. Parts that are currently under a baggie filled with frozen peas to help with swelling. I guess I should explain myself before this becomes any more uncomfortable.
Back on Wednesday, I had a vasectomy. It was a mutually agreed upon decision after we had my daughter. We had our little boy and our little girl, and we decided we were DONE. So, I figured the best time to get the procedure was while I was still on active duty. Since I am technically done with the Air Force as of June 6th, I wanted to get in there and have it taken care of as soon as possible. Sure, I was nervous. It’s freakin’ surgery….on my man parts! The very thought of it would make a lesser man cringe and run away with his wiener tucked between his legs….or, as I like to call it, a “drag queen starter kit”. But, I digress.
Anyway, I bit the bullet and went in there. I sat down and waited….and waited….and finally, they called me back to the room to get my gown on (the one where your ass hangs out the back) and get prepped. Let me tell ya, it wasn’t really quite as I had imagined it, or even how other people had described it. I felt a lot of really uncomfortable pressure and yes…some pain. It was NOT pleasant whatsoever, but I got through it, and now I can say….it has been done. No more kids for this crusty old Sergeant!
But, like I said, my wife and I are good with that. Two perfect, healthy and ridiculously adorable little ones are just enough for us.
But, hey!! What am I doing? Why am I telling you all this?? We are a wrestling blog, not a medical journal. The best I can do is relate this to wrestling by comparing it to the bit where Mr. Yamaguchi-san (from Kaientai) confronted Val Venis and said, “I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!”.
Well, they didn’t “choppy-choppy” anything. One tiny incision, two stitches. That’s all it was, in the end. Sure, my “McNuggets”
will never be the same, but it’s still a Happy Meal, baby! Super-size that bitch! Well, not for a few more weeks, that is. I need my time to heal.
Speaking of needing time to heal, I think I need to change the subject before we lose all our male readers with all this wiener surgery talk. I know we’re all adults here, but there are some things even the most macho of us “men-folk” can’t stomach for very long.
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Looks like my balls weren’t the only ones having a bad week. Anyone remember “Rimjob” from last year’s WWE Tough Enough? The former Miss USA? She was sentenced this week for her arrest back in December for driving drunk with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit in the state of Michigan. Fakih was given six months probation, 20 hours of community service, and $600 in fines and costs.
I think it’s safe to say we all dodged a bullet when she was eliminated from Tough Enough. If this is her lifestyle and she is going to get nabbed for such stupid and completely avoidable shit like this, she would have been “future endeavored” long before she ever saw the light of a WWE arena.
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Being the MF’n king of segues, the guy who actually won last season’s Tough Enough, “Big Andy” Leavine was released from WWE about two weeks ago (April 23, 2012). You gotta love how people go through all that trouble to win a competition like Tough Enough and then never amount to a pile of bunny turds!
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Remember not long ago, just before WrestleMania, when The Rock sang about basically screwing Cena’s wife? Well, he didn’t, but he might just as well have because news broke earlier this week of John Cena filing for divorce from his wife (and high school sweetheart), Liz. No real details were given, but no doubt the life of a sports entertainer, the long hours on the road and the hectic schedule just finally broke the couple apart. It happens all the freakin’ time. Seems not even “super Cena” is impervious to the effects his life has on his personal relationships.
But, as if there aren’t enough comparisons and similarities between Cena and Hulk Hogan, Liz Cena has hired prominent attorney Raymond Rafool, who also represented Linda Hogan in her divorce.
Creepy, isn’t it?
I guess even his wife got tired of choking on the Kung Pow chicken after all this time. Hope Cena has fun doing the Five Knuckle Shuffle…….
Nah, it’s too easy!
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So, who else thinks that the news of Brock Lesnar quitting WWE last Monday night is all a huge pile of bullshit? I’m not believing for one second that he only came back for a month to have one match against John Cena and break Triple H’s arm before leaving again.
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One last thing for this week, it appears to me that Eve has come down with an incurable case of Bella Syndrome. She’s the latest WWE Diva to have fallen out of usefulness in the ring and assigned a role to portray backstage. However, instead of having her lurk around aimlessly, they gave her a fancy new job title and have her dress like a naughty librarian…which I am not completely against. She’s not my favorite Diva by any means, but I wouldn’t kick her out of my bed. Just sayin’….
But, this all seems to point to an inevitable “future endeavoring” in the near future. It happens all the time. When people stop seeing as much ring time and are given a more backstage presence, it generally means they are on the chopping block. I guess we will have to wait and see what really happens, but if you wake up one day, check your Facebook or Twitter feed and get the news of Eve being FE’d, well…..just remember, I told you so!
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You know what? I’m done for this week! Sure, I might have more I could possibly talk about, but I don’t want to give it all away at one time. I mean, don’t even get me started about John Laurinaitis being Cena’s opponent at Over The Limit…and how fucking retarded that idea is.
Anyway, I’m going to get out of here for now. I’ll be back next week unless I happen to suck at budgeting my time and let a thunderstorm stop me from getting my article done when I had the time to work on it. Yeah, that’s what happened last week! I totally botched that one like a freakin’ BOSS! This week, I didn’t even let getting neutered stand in the way of bringing this thing to all of you!
You damn well better appreciate this!
But, I’ll see you all back here next time. Until then….YOU’RE DISMISSED!!
Oh! One last thing. It has come to my attention that, in the past month or so, our numbers have been going up considerably. The number of people who visit this blog each week, that is. It has jumped to levels I never imagined. Lord knows who actually read this stuff, but I just wanted to say….to all of you who are….
THANK YOU!
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Had enough yet? You got something to say to me? E-mail me at darkside619@hotmail.com and get it off your flabby little chest! Your feedback is both welcomed and encouraged, and your responses will be highlighted in my next Boot Camp article. Your orders are clear, troops……it’s time to stand up and sound off!! I’ll make you famous! >:)
Until next time, this is The Sarge…..reminding you: Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone… which actually makes it fair.
The Sarge’s YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/F4WBootCamp
The Sarge’s Facebook Page (“Friend” me, f**kers!!): http://www.facebook.com/billandrews71
That’s it for this weeks edition. Next week we will have our WWE Over The Limit PPV predictions. Sorry to all those TNA fans who missed our predictions this week, but truth be told, I forgot. And Greg reminded me way too late for me to go digging. So Next week the Skirt Sheet will have the low down TNA’s ppv (whatever the name is this month, haha). Cheers!
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you are say-ing…I don’t speak UGLY!”
-Angelina Love
Gearing up for A Rumble, Diva’s Dexter List, Boot Camp & MORE!!
Welcome this weeks edition. It’s a big one this week, because well, Diva is very angry and she went a little bonkers with another extra long Dexter list. Plus we have Sarge and The Game as well.
Oh yeah!! It’s that time again. That precious time where we get to HYPOTHETICALLY kill all that is wrong with the world that is professional wrestling. Stuff and people that piss me off so much that I get to murder them in my blog. Of course, I don’t actually do this, nor do I condone any killing of any sorts. In fact this would be my first Dexter list here on WordPress, so let me explain. I’m a huge fan of the shot DEXTER; a show about a guy who kills off bad people because he’s a serial killer with morals (?). So basically I’ve adopted the same fictional premise here. Every once in a while I get a little ticked off at what’s going on in the world of professional wrestling. Last week fueled that fire beyond belief. So I talk about what pisses me off and then I put the knife to them or the situation. I do NOT actually want harm to come to anyone, and I most certainly do NOT ask of anyone reading this to do the acts that I fictitiously put into motion. So this is just for fun. A fun way for me to take out my frustrations. It’s time to shut it, and get to bidness…
David Otunga: Why are you even here? Oh right, because your fiance is Jennifer Hudson. So… why are you even here? He’s far from good in the ring, and his mic skills lack in a certain charismatic charm that would entice us to actually give a damn. The poor makers of Soul Glow aren’t getting any endorsements since you stopped shellacking your hair. Hold your environmentally friendly coffee mug and stand behind John Laurinaitis and kiss his ass until your hearts content. GOOD FOR YOU that you were fortunate enough to get an Ed-choo-ma-kate-shun at Harvard. What were you, their pity admitee? Either way shut your hole. I suppose I don’t have a DIRECT problem with Otunga except pure annoyance and just plain hatred. I want him to shut up, right? So I think taking that little nerdy bow tie of his and pulling it really really tight after sticking the microphone down his throat. Making sure my rubber gloves are on tightly as not to leave finger prints. Nothing more satisfying than shutting up someone who doesn’t know how to do it themselves.
Epico & Primo: What the hell?! Well, this is going to be messy, well maybe not. If I take out Primo first then Epico because lets face it, he looks like the type to stand to the side and scream “don’t hurt me!” So I’ll take care of Ricky Ricardo Jr first. My first problem is this, they suck. Primo not so much, and it’s nice that he’s getting more of a push but it’s just sad that he’s stuck with Epi-NO! Now maybe I’m a little pissed off that they became WWE tag team champions last Sunday at a HOUSE SHOW. I’m pissed because these two nut-nuggets were chosen to carry the titles while Evan Bourne gets punished for expressing himself openly. I’m just taking out the trash. You want to know what doesn’t help these two, Rosa. No worries I have something planned for her later. If I can make it look like these two back on the boat they came in on, and kill them swiftly and drop their bodies in the gulf stream, no one would be none the wiser. Oh shit, they’re not Cuban, their Puerto Rican. Eh, same thing. Either way, no one cares. Blunt force trauma. Bop! and Bop! Done!
And since technically those two weren’t really to blame for Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston losing the tag team championship, that brings me to victim numero tres…
Triple H: You smug son of a bitch! You were better off sticking to what you were good at, and trust me, it wasn’t movies. Just because you were smart enough to marry into the most powerful wrestling family in the world doesn’t give you the right to stick that schnoz of yours into Evan Bourne’s business. For starters, you and Bourne, live in AMERICA. Freedom of Speech! Bourne exercised his right to talk freely, yet you yell at him for doing so. You punish him, and by association Kofi Kingston, for doing so. What would be your punishment for doing the same thing? Wait, you did once do that. You and your band mates, Shawn Michaels, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash openly said good-bye after you were told NOT TO, many years ago and you got punished. Didn’t that chap your ass when you got punished but Shawn didn’t? If social media was around then, you wouldn’t have kept that large ass mouth shut, nope you would have spoken out. The same way Evan did, for being unfairly suspended when nobody else got nailed for the smoking of FAKE weed. Yes it was stupid that he did it in the first place, but others did as well. To get mad at him for saying something, and then YOU were forced to do something about it with R-Truth, that’s just retarded. You should have done that anyways. Should have suspended everyone who was involved and failed their drug tests. This just proves that the Wellness Policy is bogus. You can’t pick and choose who gets suspended for failing it, yet OBVIOUSLY you do. Just because you don’t like Evan Bourne, doesn’t mean that he should be punished for a mistake. Nobody is fucking perfect you pussy-sniffing fucktard. Just because YOU don’t like Evan Bourne, doesn’t mean that I don’t, or that person doesn’t, or that my two nieces and nephew don’t like him. They love him. I love him. I am going to take all of Triple H’s opinions and shove them up his ass and he will die of septicemia because of his SHITTY decisions.
Daniel Bryan: Shave! You look like somebody who sits on a park bench at a play ground stroking this creepy beard when what you really want to do is stroke something else. As a wrestler, I won’t take anything away from D-Bryan because he is a solid in-ring worker. He has no personality, and he has NO charisma. In fact he kind of reminds me of Chris Benoit. Benoit was a damn good in-ring worker. He was better on the microphone than Bryan is. It’s only a matter of time when Bryan kills his family because lets face it, he uses Benoit’s finisher, he works like Benoit, he’s boring like Benoit. He is a Benoit mirror image. I’m not buying into his World Championship run right now. I can’t get behind him. I don’t really want to get in front of him either. Lol!! I have an idea on how to rid us of Daniel Bryan but I still think that way might be too soon to joke about so. I’m shooting him because it’s boring. Just like he is.
Speaking of Creeper Beards…
Eric Young: Yes, Eric Young looks like a garden gnome. Garden gnomes are creepy. Just like Daniel Bryan, SHAVE YOU FREAK ASS. Currently he’s teamed ODB in what has to be the stupidest pair up ever. I hate his beard. I shall beat his head in with the garden gnome. It’s messy but worth it.
Hornswoggle: Nuff said! I’m going to squish him like a bug with my size 7 shoe. SQUISH!!!!!
Santino Marella: He is so bad, it’s killing me! If I have to see him do that stupid trumpet thing again, I’ll gag him with it. And now he’s whipping a sock that looks like a snake from his trunks like Mick Foley that it’s an old gimmick. I’m tired of this douche farts idiotic crap. This is wrestling, not Whose Line Is It Anyways? I don’t mind the odd comedic thing in wrestling but I prefer it when its done naturally and clearly not forced. Santino tries way too hard to bring the comedy where there should be none. The day he went over Drew McIntyre was the day he added himself on to this list. He’s a waste of air time and until he is booked properly and not made out to be a joke, he will continue to be on this list. For this painful crap he’s putting me through, I am chopping off his “cobra” and letting him slowly bleed out.
ODB: Not only is she gross, but she looks like she enjoys carrying around various venereal diseases and judging from how disgusting she is, she probably has three or four of them. I don’t see what the appeal of ODB is. She’s a powerhouse in the ring and she does have a character (granted that character makes me gag), I do not find her not a good in-ring worker. She isn’t polished, she’s sloppy. Lol! Sloppy! Since she is so dirty and gross, I think I should just clean her up a bit with this bucket of mop water that I just used to clean up the men’s bathroom after Big Show had a massive Ass-Attack after munching on raunchy burritos (I know they aren’t in the same company–but who cares). I’ll just step on her hair and hold her mouth open as I pour that water in there. The sound of gargling and the thrashing of her body. It won’t take long to drown her in filth.
Jinder Mahal: C’mon…this is a bit too easy. Using the Indian angle never works. The WWE tries this every time they have someone from the middle east by making them scary terrorist type characters. Muhammad Hussein, The Great Khali, and Davari, none of that worked. It’s easy to do this with these types of guys, yet you know what, it’s boring, and nobody really gives a shit. For me, Jinder Mahal is a waste of time. He is boring and worst than smoking a ton of pot. I fall asleep like instantly. The only reason I know he is this boring in the ring was because he tagged with Wade Barrett and well, Wade keeps me…UP…ALL…NIGHT! lol! *Pulls this pin thingy and hands the round do-hicky to Jinger… “here, hold this”. *I run away…. BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!! “Oops, my bad?”
Impact Wrestling (aka TNA): They are so desperate for sponsors that they are supplying their own wrestlers to do live commercials like they are doing a vignette backstage. Pretending they are getting insurance. It is really rather sad and to be honest they are going to need insurance. LIFE insurance, and I’m going to reap the benefits.
Kelly Kelly: I have big plans for the Diva’s but I have to do this one separately. Despite the fact that she’s improved in the ring, some what, she is not a suitable role model and she is not a suitable placement for champion. I’m tired of seeing shitty moves like the one in the picture above. WHAT is the point of this move? It’s not humiliating the person receiving it, it’s humiliating the person giving it because it makes them look STUPID!!! Kelly Kelly has actually declined in the ring. I’m sending ODB to smother Kelly Kelly motorboat style with her giant fake knockers. Then I’ll pour that mob water down ODB’s gullet. It’s just stupid moves like this and the bronco buster that makes me hate the WWE Diva’s. Pretty sad when all we have are three Diva’s who know how to put on a match, yet they aren’t the ones who are pushed.
Hulk Hogan: This is NOT the first time Hogan has appeared on this list. This is probably his fourth time on my Dexter list. And he if he actually bit the dust, I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t shed any tears. Other than Hogan, Shawn Michaels & Michelle McCool are the only ones who have appeared the most on my Dexter lists. I believe both made it on here four times. Hogan has now tied with them. Hulk Hogan is the biggest cry baby in the business this side of Flick sticking his tongue to the pole in A Christmas Story (yeah I know some of you are saying WTF?). Hogan whines at EVERYTHING!!! “Ohh they used my image in a commercial promoting a children’s cereal,” “ohhh my back because I carry EVERYone I work with,” “ohhh I married a gold digger…again.” “Oh that dentist made my tooth hurt more.” Hogan is also the biggest bullshitter in the fucking world. He loves himself so much that the world can hardly contain his ego. This incestuous-daughter loving bastard can go fuck himself if he loves himself THAT much. I don’t have time to sit through another Hogan got screwed over story. I don’t have time to listen to him tell people that he is the greatest and others are not. He didn’t waste any time opening up his mouth and talking trash about “Macho Man” Randy Savage after Savage’s tragic death in May. Like I’m really going to believe anything that comes out of Hogan’s mouth after reading both of his biographies. Gasoline and a match. That’s the only thing that will stop Hogan!
John Laurinaitis: I can’t hear a word he says, which in retrospect might not be a bad thing. Lol! You know this might be the smallest thing ever that pisses me off the most about Laurinaitis, is how RUDE he is. He just pulls out his cell phone and texts randomly while people are talking to him. He’s annoying anyways, he often forgets his lines. I mean, he makes having a McMahon constantly on television a bonus. Laurinaitis fucks up so much. He just isn’t suitable to be on television. I’m am going to take his damn crackberry and shove it down his throat until he chokes on it. And I’m going to turn around and text one of my F4W crew members while he’s chocking on his phone. Cuz that’s how I roll!
Madison Rayne: As good as you are on the mic and making your character work. I can’t understand how Madison is championship material. As former TNA Knockout’s Champion, and one half of the current Knockout Tag Team Champions, Madison has no business being near a title belt. Compared to 90% of the WWE Diva’s, Madison is an in-ring technician, but that doesn’t mean she should be near a championship belt. I’m taking Madison’s tag team championship and I’m going to place it over her lifeless body after I strangle her with her tiara when I pull it over her fat head and it snaps tightly around her neck.
The Creators of this:
Funky Kong here cannot bring it. Nothing worse than recycled gimmicks. Recycled ones that never worked the first three times around is actually worst. Maybe if Brodus Clay left his Sue Sylvester track suit on instead of removing it, we wouldn’t have to see his inner crotch flab flap around when he danced after his matches. This is one of those cases where I’m not sure who to feel sorry for; Brodus Clay or us as the people stuck watching this bull shit. It might very well be a tie. There is no sense in denying that this gimmick of “Funkasaurus” doesn’t have any longevity to it as you can only go so far with this character. What worked for The Godfather back in the day, was A) It wasn’t a PG rating and he could call his ladies “Ho’s”, B) He could be all goofy prancing around outside of the ring but that dude was all fierce business inside of the ring. The “Funkasaurus” however, is so ricockulous outside of the ring, I doubt it anyone could take him seriously inside of the ring. I think it’s safe to say that this gimmick will kill Clay-Kong all on it’s own. I’m just wondering if it’s best to kill him now and put US out of his misery? There is something funky (it’s because its from unda-cheese). Brodus Clay the “Funkasaurus” will get you dancing…right off to the toilet as he makes your bowels want to leave the room.
Also…. I have to continue one with this Donkey Kong (yes Chipper, DONKEY KONG) rip-off as apparently the WWE creative team brought up their first Diva from this past season of Tough Enough…As Sarge mentioned last week, Miss Arianne Andrews is back. Yes the GIRL who said that her all-time favourite match was Alicia Fox vs. Melina, actually has a job that apparently she didn’t have to work very hard for. I guess maybe unlike the Bella Twats, who get their air time on television by blowing the guy in charge, all Arianne had to do was bend over.
Sarge wasn’t quite sure who the other funky-bitch-asaurus was but it was Naomi from NXT season 3. The one with the high forehead and large butt. Either way these funky-bitch-asaurus’ will join the Funkasaurus himself in drowning in the stench of their own suckiness. This just proves that the WWE enjoys being a joke. Stupidest concept ever in terms of a gimmick, as well as hiring one of the dumbest “wrestling fans” in the world. This kind of laziness and lack of creativity is what pisses me off. This anger is simply fueled by my lack of patience for stupid people. I feel the need to take it upon myself to extinct the wrestling world of it’s Funkasaurus and it’s Funk Cunts. Good-bye!!! Poof your gone and nobody is going to miss you, except maybe that hoard of 5 year olds who don’t know better. BIG-FUCKING-BANG!
Perez Hilton: Where to begin? For starters I thought he was a fat hippopotamus? And I didn’t think it was possible for someone to be more annoying than Hornswoggle when they open their mouth, but I was wrong. Now anyone who knows me, know that I have very little use for people like this wanker. Look at him, he looks like a chipmunk who had a can of hair spray explode up his ass and came out his head. I honestly can’t site one reason why anybody would want to keep Perez Hilton on this planet. If anything, I blame him for making some of the people who are considered to be celebrities when all they are rich socialite kids. Gee thanks, because now we have to stare at the walking mounds of air call Kardashian. All useless. I’d rather have sex with a fire ant hill then even LOOK at this fuck-sap! I would turn a pack of killer squirrels and chipmunks to kill this anal-tard but what’s the point, he doesn’t have any nuts. So instead I’ll carefully place this rope over this here beam…turn off the lights and put some porn that suits his tastes and he will hang himself. My hands are clean. I just accidentally left that rope tied like a noose there.
Vince McMahon: He OK-ed the Funkasaurus bullshit, allowed Triple H to have a say, hired dumb-ass Diva’s, and thought it was a good reason to have John Laurinaitis do anything in his company. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that with the ridding of Vince, (and earlier Triple H) we can find more reasons as to why we all would be better off if McMahon wasn’t in the house. The dude is guilty for making some of the worst decisions for his company, and for us fans ever in the past year. Contrary to what the WWE claims that they listen to the WWE “Universe,” they clearly do not, and are full of shit. I don’t know if it’s acceptable to kill someone who apparently isn’t handi-capable, but I think I’m going to make an exception. However I’m going to have fun doing it. I’m going to start by taking a page out of the novel “The Help” and make him eat a shit pie. Let the disease take over his face from the particles in the feces. Then I’ll have him sit and listen to Paris Hilton’s CD while Perez Hilton give shim a play by play of Mexican porn where men are doing donkey’s while eating burritos. That will make his ears bleed. Then I’m going staple his eye lids open to his forehead and make him watch Alicia Fox vs. Melina over and over until he admits that he made a mistake by hiring the Tough Enough chick. Maybe top that off with having Chris Jericho run around in his Lite-Brite coat screaming and smiling, just because it’s really funny. Maybe make him have sex with a corpse, pull his head out of his ass, marry a pig, wrestling in a kennel from hell match, wearing nothing but a sumo diaper and platform shoes, against Funkasaurus. And if he survives all that, I’ll unleash the worst of WCW footage on him so that he can see he’s doing the same shit as they did. Then repeat, until he does the job himself.
Last but not least….
The WWE Diva’s: Any Diva you see in the photo collage above, does NOT deserve to be in the WWE. They are not wrestlers, they are not even talented. What they are, is a waste of space. I’m tired of these bimbos getting air time when none of them know how to run the ropes properly. Isn’t that one of the first things they teach you after you learn how to bump? Yet four out of the nine mentioned Diva’s can’t run ropes and were WWE Diva’s champions. I’m going to get serial here, because that’s nine airheads I’m about to waste…Oh yeah and you can add Arianne Andrews to the list above as well (the Tough Enough chick) & Naomi from NXT 3. Eleven. Maybe the biggest massacre in the history of the Skirt Sheet’s Dexter list. It’s gonna be like a slasher film. Aren’t they all technically suitable for the role in one of those stupid slasher movies where all the dumb chicks run UP the stairs away from the doors to the outside and up to the scary dude in the face mask with the machete or chainsaw? To say the least I’m tired of what is going on with the Diva’s division. I’m quite content with Tamina, Beth Phoenix and Natalya running the show and then eventually Kharma if and when she comes back. If the WWE was smart, they would bring back Gail Kim, Mickie James and Victoria (aka Tara) all from TNA Impact Wrestling. And build back the respectability that this division once had, instead of making it a joke filled with crappy bikini models who can’t even figure out how to execute a simple pin. Lets abandon the slasher flick scenario and go toss them in the trash bin and have them all crushed to death in a compactor. Trash bin seems appropriate.
As a last minute additon…
Some shit went down in my life and someone I love very much this past Thursday… So to…
Mamasaurus: For someone who doesn’t value a special gift such as your child you deserve everything that happens to you from here on out. Even if that is just simple excommunication from the rest of us. Not understanding that what you do every single day hurts your daughter in some way that you can’t see that you are wrong. You don’t understand that your everyday stress and negative moods impacts what your daughter feels and sees. Luckily she’s smart enough to disassociate her own moods and feelings from yours but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect her. And you don’t realize what a hard time in her life that she is entering. You don’t value anything but your own problems which doesn’t include your daughter. What you do reflects on you others and what you say hurts people. Never in my life have I heard of a mother calling the police to “Parent” their child. What is even funnier is that you think you’re calling the police on your daughter but you really just called them on yourself, and made yourself look like a complete dork. A selfish, uncaring, self-centred fat bitch. I hope you learn something from this. I hope you learn to better yourself for the sake of your daughter because as someone who loves this girl so much, I don’t understand how you can be so inconsiderate and selfish. I’m not going to kill you off, because I have a feeling losing your daughter is going to hurt more. It SHOULD hurt more. As a parent, you have a responsibility to love, care, teach, and help make your child grow into someone who is respectable, caring, logical, reasonable, strong, and brave. Thankfully this girl is all those things but it wasn’t because of her mother. It was her own mind and her own search for outside stability. It was her own judgement into who to trust with her heart, soul and brain. It was her own decision. It was her strength that made her do the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her life at this age. It’s only going to get harder and she understands that. She knows she has 4 people right here beside her and others in the distance who love and care for her and would never betray her. Who will have her back no matter what. That is MUCH more than what her mother will have. That is all.
And yes, I’m a mean and evil bitch. Only in spirit. Like I said at the beginning of this. I don’t wish anyone dead (although I would shed any tears over Hulk Hogan, but laugh hysterically), I do however wish the problems would get corrected in another manner. More training, better writers, more attention to the what the fans really want, and maybe some pink slips (paper not lingerie). Because in life there are winners (nobody in this blog), and there are losers (everyone in this blog)…Be, well don’t be jealous, but be sexier than all those listed above, because they suck and if you suck like them, you’ll get the herps!
Wanna a Piece of Diva? Email her at Fatal4WayBlog@gmail.com
OR, hit her up on Twitter: @F4WDiva
UFC 142 Quick Results, Punk Pulled and No Mania in Dallas:
Evan Bourne Strike 2-Suspended 60 Days:
Broski Roundtable w/DashingKevinWalsh and StoneColdRKO512
***the views and opinions expressed in “Boot Camp” are strictly my own and do not in any way reflect those of WWE, TNA or any other group that I might inadvertently piss off! But….If you’re gonna get all emo over it, then run home to your mommy, curl up in the fetal position and cry salty tears into your fucking Ovaltine!!***
BOOT CAMP
Salutations, scallywags!!
Let me get right down to business here. I’m running a bit low on stuff I’d really want to talk about this week. I tried to think of a short list of things I could touch on, but a lot of what has happened lately falls into one of two categories. Either, 1) I have already talked about it and not much has changed, or…..2) I don’t give a flaming freak about it, so I’m not even considering it. Just that simple!
That said, my article this week is going to sound a little bit like one of my “Random-Mania” blogs. Actually, it’s going to sound a LOT like one.
So, how’s everybody embracing that HATE? Jumpin’ on the Kane Train where the hater-ade flows like water. Honestly, Kane wants Cena to hate everyone else, but I’ve been doing it backwards. I’ve been hating on Cena for years now! Maybe I should e-mail him and tell him what’s going on so maybe he’ll feel the need to return the favor. I could do what Kane is (so far) failing to do!
What the fuck, anyway? I thought Kermit and Miss Piggy were bad, but Cena is the BIGGEST Muppet in all of WWE! He probably clenches his ass together like a vise until he gets home because farting in public isn’t “PG”. The way I see it, if they can put fart jokes in Disney movies, then Cena can let one go once in a while without repercussions. Sometimes, you can just see it in his face.
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We all think WWE runs out of ideas a lot, right? So, what’s happening over in TNA? Why is Eric Young being booked in matches against the Knockouts? He had a match against Angelina Love last week. His little storyline with ODB is all well and good, but I’m not sure why they have a dude fighting women. WWE will never show that. Not anymore. Not since the PG vasectomy took place and WWE lost its balls.
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Way to make all that trouble Zack Ryder went to in becoming United States Champion see like the world’s biggest waste of time, WWE! How long had Ryder held the title before last week’s RAW? Two? Three weeks, maybe? However long it was, it wasn’t nearly long enough. They had Kane fuck him up, injure him and then make him drop the US title the following week to the All-American horse-faced bucktoothed lisping gopher Jack Swagger.
Of course, this didn’t only piss ME off. It also rubbed Cena the wrong way because it made a total crapshoot out of his little act of benevolence toward Zack Ryder that gave him his winning shot at the US title. Cena got majorly butt-hurt over Swagger’s victory, and so he charged on down to the ring with all the pent-up rage of Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” and proceeded to beat the “Farkus” out of poor Swaggle-Nutz.
Let’s face it. He deserved it. Swagger. Not Cena.
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Who knew Vickie Guerrero took classes at the Elaine Benes School of Shitty Dancing? Her performance on SmackDown in the “dance-off” segment was fall-down hilarious!
I gotta say…Elaine still does it better! http://youtu.be/5xi4O1yi6b0
Best part of this total waste of air time was that it gave us a double dose of Funkasaurus goodness. Sure, it’s a stupid, ridiculous, silly gimmick…..but anyone of you who knows me will understand why I like this kind of thing. I get a kick out of the silly gimmicks and I find a lot of humor in them. Kizarny, The Boogeyman, etc?? When they were more relevant, I used to never shut up about them. I still bring them up from time to time.
Now, I have heard rumors that this Funkasaurus thing is only a sort of a setup for Brodus Clay to discard it and go back to being the “monster heel” he was being billed as before he came back looking like what happened if King Hippo fucked the Kool-Aid man.
Problem is, hearing the pop this guy gets now when he comes out with this crazy character, it’s going to be hard to believe WWE will ever get rid of it now.
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Would y’all just fuck and get it over with already??
Seriously! Where’s the point in all this? Even Michael Cole commented that Teddy Long serves no real purpose on SmackDown and just hangs around with Aksana all the time. Why not set something up where T’Lo finally proposes to Aksana, they have another ill-fated wedding ceremony….and Teddy flops on the ground like a dead fish after having another (fake) heart attack like when he was supposed to get married to Kristal Marshall a few years back.
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Speaking of failed WWE wedding ceremonies, there was one on NXT last week involving Maxine and two other people who inexplicably still take up space on a WWE roster. Not like I care at all. I’m just bringing it up.
If anybody actually watched NXT, it would still be on TV instead of a webcast. Enough said.
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TNA is taking a page out of WWE’s book and flapping its Twenis in all our faces. On last week’s Impact, Bully Ray was over the fucking moon, going off like a 10-year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert because he was trending on Twitter after the Genesis PPV. It was painful, and went on for way too long.
All I could think about during this mind-numbing segment was how Twitter is constantly mentioned on WWE television, as if they have a contractual obligation to whore out Twitter 30 times every hour. They never shut up about it! It’s always “(random topic or wrestler) is trending worldwide”! Twitter this….Twitter that….hit me in the face with a wiffle ball bat! It’s so fucking annoying.
Let’s get THIS trending instead: #STFUWWE
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God, how I love getting Jeri-trolled!! This past week on RAW was the best one yet! I honestly sort of suspected it might happen, and when it did, I was laughing my ass off. Most of you would assume my grumpy old ass would be ready to rip Jericho to shreds over this. Right? Nope! I love the Jeri-trolling. I’ll be mad if that’s ALL he does while he is back, but for now….I’m good with it.
Well played, sir!
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On Impact this week, Mickie James fought Madison Rayne in a steel cage match! WWE’s only Divas match was a boring tag team match with Perez Hilton as the guest ring announcer. Which one would you rather sit through??
That’s what I thought.
Which one of his ex-boyfriends did Perez Hilton steal that RAW t-shirt from? It’s obvious he was only there to whore one of his websites or some shit. You could smell the “poser” on him a mile away. Fucker probably couldn’t even spell “WWE”.
They introduced him as the “world’s greatest blogger”. Pfft!! Really? More like “world’s most ambitious attention whore”.
Wanna talk about “world’s greatest bloggers”?? Look no freakin’ further than right here in the Fatal 4-Way, baby!
(Greg, you were right! He should have somehow won the Divas Championship. LOL)
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On SmackDown, Daniel Bryan stated that AJ had a “cervical sprain” as part of her injuries after getting plowed by Big Show last week.
What? She sprained her cervix? How can that be? She hasn’t even met me yet.
I’m kidding. I know it’s a neck injury, not the “other” cervix found a little more “south of the border”.
Okay. Chuckle, put your face in the palm of your hand, and move on! Sometimes, it’s just the right thing to do.
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Alright, people. I think I’m about done with you for this week. We’ve got other members of this team waiting to have their say, and you all have lives to get back to. No need for this crusty old bastard to run his mouth any longer than necessary.
I’m out of here! Until next time, troops…..YOU’RE DISMISSED!!
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Had enough yet? You got something to say to me? E-mail me at darkside619@hotmail.com and get it off your flabby little chest! Your feedback is both welcomed and encouraged, and your responses will be highlighted in my next Boot Camp article. Your orders are clear, troops……it’s time to stand up and sound off!! I’ll make you famous! >:)
Until next time, this is The Sarge…..reminding you: If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.
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That’s it this week for the Fatal 4-Way. Next week we will have our WWE Royal Rumble predictions for you to enjoy. Royal Rumble is always super fun to predict. At least this year they went back to the 30-Man instead of the 40-Man last year.
“Over thinking stuff makes you a mental midget”
-Justin Gabriel via Twitter @Justin_Gabriel
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