Laurinaitis Sucks, Cena’s Divorce & more!!

Happy Mother’s Day out there to all you Mom’s! Y’all deserve it! Raising kids and being the best parent that you can be is the toughest job out there and the pay sucks, but the benefits more than make up for it. We cherish and love our mom’s so much and thank-you for giving us life (and not actually taking it back when we do something wrong!) One day, I hope, I’ll get a chance for a mother’s day of my own. To all those mommies kicking asses and taking names, this blogs for you!

I’m not sure if this will turn out to be a traditional Dexter list because to be honest, I’m just really really pissed off tonight. Worst week at work, and it didn’t even start at work. It started because some morons in their father’s Lexus decided that it was fun to harass me at a gas station then proceed to follow me to work. Anyways, that’s been my week. It’s time to stick the duct tape over my victims mouths and get to work.

 

For those unfamiliar with the Dexter Skirt Sheet, should know one thing…It’s all in fun. It’s a hypothetical way for me to take out my frustration about wrestling in my blog. I do not condone or suggest that anything actually happens like this because that’s immoral, and wrong. I wouldn’t hurt them, I just get frustrated sometimes. However this will be the first time that Shawn Michaels, and Michelle McCool won’t be featured in the Dexter list. I’m not even sure if this is going to be a list in the traditional sense of the word. It might just be me über bitching. Well maybe until I get to Laurinaitis. That could get messy. Must remember to lay down the proverbial drop cloth.

 

I wasn’t overly impressed with RAW this week. It seemed to be the longest two hours ever. Everything was just completely dragged out and the matches were very lack luster.

 

The Miz putting Brodus Clay over, nearly made me want to vomit. The match just sucked! It’s obvious now more than ever that The Miz is not going back up to the top anytime soon. In fact, I think they are what I’m now referring to the “Getting Matt Hardy-ed.” Talented person, who pisses the officials off once and/or makes a boo-boo, and then gets punished by losing to subsequently untalented and waste of space performers that need to be put over but don’t deserve to be put over, and this goes on until the “Matt Hardy-ed” party’s contract is over or until they get fired. It seems ever since Miz, missed catching R-Truth, he’s been going straight down hill from the top. Accidents do happen, I truly believe that. Nobody is perfect. I have to deal with that in my own job. Apparently I’ve nearly been Matt Hardy-ed here because of one mistake. People expect you to be perfect, but if they want perfection, hire robots. Anyways, back to The Miz. Looking like an orange aside from too much spray tan this past Monday, he went out there and worked hard to make both himself and Clay look good. Judging from the fact that Clay sucks massive herpie inflamed balls that’s not easy to do. Either way, Miz deserved more from that match. He should have gotten the win over Clay. I get that the WWE wants to keep Clay as a monster in the ring and gentle dinosaur outside of the ring, but come the fuck on! Who is stupid enough to buy into this? The WWE is already recycling and old gimmick from the 80’s by stealing The Junk Yard Dog’s idea of bringing children into the ring to dance with them. I’m just waiting for some Church mother to freak out and start saying that Clay is a pedophile. That will put  a stop to the Funkasaurus. What makes him funky anyways? Is it fromundacheese? Not even going to question why he’s a saurus. Think about it!

 

And for the record… I still think he looks more like Funky Kong from Mariokart than King Hippo from Tyson’s Knock-out game! Just sayin’! And we all know I’m always right.

 

Dolph Ziggler! A man who was once in the WWE championship picture. A question that still makes me wonder who did he blow to get put there.  While you’re pondering that question, I’m going forward. I know that a lot of you think that Ziggler is talented but I find him inconsistent. This past week on RAW, he fucked up his finisher the Zig-Zag, which btw are rolling papers that a lot of people use to roll their fatties! The booking in this match sucked anyways. Kofi Kingston’s S.O.S is a great move that he rarely hits, and then Ziggler kicks out of it? Like WHAT THE FLYING FUCK BALLS WAS THAT ABOUT????  Nothing about this entire match made any sense. I felt like I was watching a TNA match. Kofi wasn’t the problem. He never is. But between the booking, and Ziggler, it made everything look like complete crap!

 

I am seriously starting to believe that I could run this company better than they are.

 

And what the hell is this A&W dude, or AW or Ass Wash, or whatever his name is. I’m sort of confused because wasn’t this guy Abraham Washington before. OMG I just got it! AW = Abraham Washington. Anyways the name isn’t important, what is, is apparently he’s building a stable. He’s got Primo, Epico and Rosa and maybe possibly Mason Ryan. You know what I’m thinking here… Anyone who goes with A&W/AW/Ass Wash/Abraham Washington, I bet eventually ends up on the “future endevoured” list. I see four people looking ready to get the boot.

 

Kaitlyn (not my niece but the WWE Diva) has an Adam’s apple. Just sayin’!

 

I’m still on the belief that current WWE Diva’s Champion, Layla, is going to hurt someone. She’s so sloppy. She’s been with the WWE for how long now? Six years. Six years and she has no fucking clue what she’s doing out there. She’s sloppy which means she can easily hurt someone. Someone with talent. Go back and dance for the mother ship of air heads. I’m tired of these shitty ditzy bitches coming into the wrestling world. Lets keep, Karma, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Tamina. Get rid of the rest. Offer Trish and Lita a contract to help out Fit Finlay train the few that might have a decent career like Kelly Kelly, Eve and maybe Layla. Get Mickie James, Tara (Victoria) and Gail Kim back. Allow them to have strong matches. Use them properly and promote them properly. Then steal Velvet Sky and Angelina Love and rebuild the Beautiful People. How much work would the WWE have to put into fixing the Diva’s division? Not much. Look how fucking easy I made it. It’s just the matter of dollars and contracts. But it’s not completely hopeless. Get writers specifically for the Diva’s. Have three or four writers coming up with ideas and storylines for the Diva’s. Slowly infuse them into the shows and each week I bet those girls will be taken seriously again.

 

I’m glad Paul Heyman is back. Not overly thrilled at how he came back. The wrestling genius showed up last Monday on behalf of Brock Lesnar. It’s clear that Heyman will work as a fill-in for Lesnar since the WWE only has a limited amount of dates they can use Lesnar for. I’m assuming Heyman is there to speak for Lesnar who apparently hasn’t learned the proper way to cut a promo. Heyman, is an excellent promo man. He often says what he wants and goes off the cuff quite often. However, I didn’t feel it this past Monday. I felt nothing from him. I get that he was suppose to be angry about the treatment of Lesnar, but there was so much more lacking from that promo.

 

I guess what I’m really doing is just “Dexter-ing” one person, really! Surprised? Well, why butcher Lesnar right now since he wasn’t on this past week and really I’ve actually annihilated him 3 weeks in a row. I’m giving myself a Lesnar break! Lol!!

 

John Laurinaitis: I certainly have better things to do with my time then listen John Laurinaitis verbally masturbate.  Remember that drop cloth I mentioned before, time to lay that sucker down, and cover up because this is gonna get messy!!!!!!!!!!  This self-serving son of a bitch has become what Eric Bischoff was to WCW. A poison. A cancerous strain that has been injected into the core of the WWE. Slowly killing the company. A company which I’ve been loyal to since I was a youngling. If WWE goes under because of Laurinaitis, I’m out of wrestling. I can’t take TNA. I can watch it here or there but not consecutively. I’m glad that Laurinaitis feels that he can get off by stroking his own ego and boost his self confidence but like any masturbatory admissions, nobody needs to see that.  He’s talking about how he went into a fit of rage last week and attacked Cena, well that made me want to pee because I was laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all. If he wants to see what a true fit of rage is, I’ll show him. OK him showing up here and there was annoying but livable. Now he’s taking up like fifteen minutes of television where a perfectly good match could be placed. That fifteen minutes isn’t including all the backstage segments in which they stick him and Eve in. I want my fucking wrestling back, and less of that ball-fart Laurinaitis. The writers actually have something good going on with the GM gimmick right now, but unfortunately they don’t have anyone good enough to work it. No matter how much Laurinaitis thinks he’s talented, he’s less talented than a door knob that WON’T turn. I’m starting to go bat crap cray-cray here and it’s his fault. If they could have actually put someone in there with a bit of a personality then maybe this stupid GM shit wouldn’t be so unbearable. What do we have to do in order to restore the business? I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of hearing that scratchy throat of his and now I want to cut it right out of him. That way, he can never talk again.

 

I wasn’t overly impressed with RAW or SmackDown, and I missed NXT and Superstars. So yeah!

 

I’m not really sure why Maxine from NXT is all of a sudden on RAW tagging with Natalya.  Actually scratch that. As I wrote it, I figured it out, lol!! Beth Phoenix is “injured” and the Bella twats are gone (WHORE-YA), so there is a lack of heel Diva’s right now working in the division. Not sure if we will see Eve back in the ring as she’s got this “suck”-atary position going on under (yes I said under) John Laurinaitis. Whether or not they are going to turn AJ or Kaitlyn heel is unknown right now. They did waste a perfectly good spot on SmackDown this past week pitting those two against each other in what was not a wrestling match but more of a very weak chick fight. I almost had my friend Mat believing that AJ was twelve, but he’s too smart for me. Ha!

 

The end of RAW sucked pretty gnarly ass. I’m not sure how beneficial it is to not put over your WWE champion. I get that they want to keep Lord Tensai (Albert) undefeated, which is smart if they end up using him right (which they won’t), but still. Instead of Punk being pinned by Tensai, maybe they should have had Daniel Bryan go over Punk instead. At least then it adds that much fuel to Punk going into Over The Limit next Sunday. If Tensai pinned Punk, then he should be the one having the title match despite the Beat The Clock challenge from last week. That’s my opinion.

 

I was discussing with a facebook friend of mine about The SCORE’s AFTERMATH show they put on after they air SmackDown on Friday’s, and how much we both hate Renee. I’m so glad that someone actually agrees with me that she yells through the entire conversation and has absolutely no idea what is good and what is wrong with wrestling. She’s a fan of “The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay. Like WTF is that?  She thinks Sheamus is nothing. I mean why is she on there? Is she suppose to be pulling in the female viewers? Because if she is, chances are they are fans of the Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly. Because this BITCH ain’t watching and never will. Anyone know where I can apply for her job because I at least know what the hell I’m talking about!! I should know, I’ve been doing this blog for 6 years almost! Plus I’ve been watching since I was still in one piece pajamas with the feet on them! Yes! FEET! God I miss those! I had this pair of Smurf jammies and oh dear heaven they were comfy!

 

OK um, awkward!

 

In a month, I’ll be trekking down to see one of my best friends for the first time since meeting him 8 years ago online. You guys know and love him as Sarge. I can’t wait for that. I’m hoping we can do a youtube video edition of the Boot Camp/Skirt Sheet. It would be super froot! Plus I get to meet his babies! I’m so looking forward to snuggles from Kaden and Aly! And Mrs. Sarge and I have some massive shopping planned as well. Hurry up MAY! I can’t wait to get my vay-cay on!

 

I think that’s a great spot to call it a night. Because, In Life…There Are Winners, and There Are Losers….Be Jealous and Be Sexy!

 

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***the views and opinions expressed in “Boot Camp” are strictly my own and do not in any way reflect those of WWE, TNA or any other group that I might inadvertently piss off!  But….If you’re gonna get all emo over it, then run home to your mommy, curl up in the fetal position and cry salty tears into your fucking Ovaltine!!***

BOOT CAMP

How’s it hangin’, hosers?

Actually, don’t answer that.   The whole “hangin'” thing makes me think about certain parts of my anatomy.  Parts that are currently under a baggie filled with frozen peas to help with swelling.  I guess I should explain myself before this becomes any more uncomfortable.

Back on Wednesday, I had a vasectomy.  It was a mutually agreed upon decision after we had my daughter.  We had our little boy and our little girl, and we decided we were DONE.  So, I figured the best time to get the procedure was while I was still on active duty. Since I am technically done with the Air Force as of June 6th, I wanted to get in there and have it taken care of as soon as possible. Sure, I was nervous.  It’s freakin’ surgery….on my man parts!  The very thought of it would make a lesser man cringe and run away with his wiener tucked between his legs….or, as I like to call it, a “drag queen starter kit”.  But, I digress.

Anyway, I bit the bullet and went in there.  I sat down and  waited….and waited….and finally, they called me back to the room to get my gown on (the one where your ass hangs out the back) and get prepped.  Let me tell ya, it wasn’t really quite as I had imagined it, or even how other people had described it.  I felt a lot of really uncomfortable pressure and yes…some pain.  It was NOT pleasant whatsoever, but I got through it, and now I can say….it has been done.  No more kids for this crusty old Sergeant!

But, like I said, my wife and I are good with that.  Two perfect, healthy and ridiculously adorable little ones are just enough for us.

But, hey!!  What am I doing?  Why am I telling you all this??  We are a wrestling blog, not a medical journal.  The best I can do is relate this to wrestling by comparing it to the bit where Mr. Yamaguchi-san (from Kaientai) confronted Val Venis and said, “I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!”.

Well, they didn’t “choppy-choppy” anything.  One tiny incision, two stitches.  That’s all it was, in the end.  Sure, my “McNuggets”
will never be the same, but it’s still a Happy Meal, baby! Super-size that bitch!  Well, not for a few more weeks, that is.  I need my time to heal.

Speaking of needing time to heal, I think I need to change the subject before we lose all our male readers with all this wiener surgery talk.  I know we’re all adults here, but there are some things even the most macho of us “men-folk” can’t stomach for very long.

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Looks like my balls weren’t the only ones having a bad week.  Anyone remember “Rimjob” from last year’s WWE Tough Enough?  The former Miss USA?  She was sentenced this week for her arrest back in December for driving drunk  with a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit in the state of Michigan.  Fakih was given six months probation, 20 hours of community service, and $600 in fines and costs.

I think it’s safe to say we all dodged a bullet when she was eliminated from Tough Enough.  If this is her lifestyle and she is going to get nabbed for such stupid and completely avoidable shit like this, she would have been “future endeavored” long before she ever saw the light of a WWE arena.

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Being the MF’n king of segues, the guy who actually won last season’s Tough Enough, “Big Andy” Leavine was released from WWE about two weeks ago (April 23, 2012).  You gotta love how people go through all that trouble to win a competition like Tough Enough and then never amount to a pile of bunny turds!

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Remember not long ago, just before WrestleMania, when The Rock sang about basically screwing Cena’s wife?  Well, he didn’t, but he might just as well have because news broke earlier this week of John Cena filing for divorce from his wife (and high school sweetheart), Liz.  No real details were given, but no doubt the life of a sports entertainer, the long hours on the road and the hectic schedule just finally broke the couple apart.  It happens all the freakin’ time.  Seems not even “super Cena” is impervious to the effects his life has on his personal relationships.

But, as if there aren’t enough comparisons and similarities between Cena and Hulk Hogan, Liz Cena has hired prominent attorney Raymond Rafool, who also represented Linda Hogan in her divorce.

Creepy, isn’t it?

I guess even his wife got tired of choking on the Kung Pow chicken after all this time.  Hope Cena has fun doing the Five Knuckle Shuffle…….

Nah, it’s too easy!

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So, who else thinks that the news of Brock Lesnar quitting WWE last Monday night is all a huge pile of bullshit?  I’m not believing for one second that he only came back for a month to have one match against John Cena and break Triple H’s arm before leaving again.

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One last thing for this week, it appears to me that Eve has come down with an incurable case of Bella Syndrome.  She’s the latest WWE Diva to have fallen out of usefulness in the ring and assigned a role to portray backstage.  However, instead of having her lurk around aimlessly, they gave her a fancy new job title and have her dress like a naughty librarian…which I am not completely against.  She’s not my favorite Diva by any means, but I wouldn’t kick her out of my bed.  Just sayin’….

But, this all seems to point to an inevitable “future endeavoring” in the near future.  It happens all the time.  When people stop seeing as much ring time and are given a more backstage presence, it generally means they are on the chopping block.  I guess we will have to wait and see what really happens, but if you wake up one day, check your Facebook or Twitter feed and get the news of Eve being FE’d, well…..just remember, I told you so!

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You know what?  I’m done for this week!  Sure, I might have more I could possibly talk about, but I don’t want to give it all away at one time.  I mean, don’t even get me started about John Laurinaitis being Cena’s opponent at Over The Limit…and how fucking retarded that idea is.

Anyway, I’m going to get out of here for now.  I’ll be back next week unless I happen to suck at budgeting my time and let a thunderstorm stop me from getting my article done when I had the time to work on it. Yeah, that’s what happened last week!  I totally botched that one like a freakin’ BOSS!  This week, I didn’t even let getting neutered stand in the way of bringing this thing to all of you!

You damn well better appreciate this!

But, I’ll see you all back here next time.  Until then….YOU’RE DISMISSED!!

Oh! One last thing.  It has come to my attention that, in the past month or so, our numbers have been going up considerably.  The number of people who visit this blog each week, that is.  It has jumped to levels I never imagined.  Lord knows who actually read this stuff, but I just wanted to say….to all of you who are….

THANK YOU!

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Had enough yet?  You got something to say to me?  E-mail me at darkside619@hotmail.com and get it off your flabby little chest!  Your feedback is both welcomed and encouraged, and your responses will be highlighted in my next Boot Camp article.  Your orders are clear, troops……it’s time to stand up and sound off!!   I’ll make you famous!  >:)

Until next time, this is The Sarge…..reminding you: Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone… which actually makes it fair.

The Sarge’s YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/F4WBootCamp

The Sarge’s Facebook Page (“Friend” me, f**kers!!): http://www.facebook.com/billandrews71

 

That’s it for this weeks edition. Next week we will have our WWE Over The Limit PPV predictions. Sorry to all those TNA fans who missed our predictions this week, but truth be told, I forgot. And Greg reminded me way too late for me to go digging. So Next week the Skirt Sheet will have the low down TNA’s ppv (whatever the name is this month, haha). Cheers!

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you are say-ing…I don’t speak UGLY!”

-Angelina Love